We often discuss the importance of being deliberate with our actions, checklists, goals and vision. However, we rarely pay such close attention to the words we use throughout the day, even though communication is one of the most important skills in our industry. 

There is great power in the words we use, how we use them and, occasionally, how we choose not to use them. To wield that power effectively, we need to be deliberate with our communication.

What Is Deliberate Communication?

Deliberate communication means making conscious choices about what we say and to whom we say it. Articulating your message effectively, whether in team building, employee appreciation, feedback, conflict resolution or executing a vision, can be the difference between implementation and frustration.

Most people do not communicate particularly well under pressure or “under the influence,” though in this case I don’t mean the influence of substances. Rather, I refer to the influence of frustration, fatigue or fear.

In those moments, it’s important to be impartial and remain flexible. Tone matters. Move with people, not against them. Statements such as “I understand that,” “I believe that,” or “Those are all good points,” help reduce defensiveness and create understanding. Focus on the person, not just their current attitude.

What people say is less important than what they do. Excuses will always exist, but your job is to redirect the conversation back toward solutions and accountability. When people are frustrated or emotional, they naturally become more defensive. Clear communication and empathy will serve you well. Sometimes you have to forgo being right in order to be effective.

The Power of Listening

One of the biggest parts of communication, especially in difficult conversations, is listening. Listening is an essential part of another powerful communication tool: paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing involves listening to someone else’s thoughts, feelings or ideas, then restating them in your own words while retaining the original meaning. You might start with something like:

• “Let me be sure I heard you correctly…”
• “Just so I understand…”
• “Here’s what I hear you saying…”

There are three primary reasons why paraphrasing is an effective communication tool.

1. It changes the dynamic. You are telling the speaker that their words matter and showing them that you are actively trying to understand them.
2. It is a form of empathic listening. Empathic listening means listening with the intent to understand rather than simply waiting for your turn to reply.
3. It helps regain control of the conversation. Clarification reduces misunderstandings, lowers tension and allows both parties to move forward without losing face.

Communicating to Connect

How you work with, lead and communicate with others will determine your sustained success in every part of your business. Finding common ground and a shared purpose are key ingredients to trust and team alignment.

The truth is that most people are never formally taught what to say, how to say it or when to say it. Then you add perception into the equation, and things become even more complicated because perception is not always reality. People can see the exact same situation in completely different ways.

Miscommunication can put others on the defensive. Suddenly, the conversation becomes, “Here’s my side, now defend yours.” A misplaced word can turn the situation into “you versus me” when it should really be “you and me versus the problem.”

George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Deliberate speech is not just about choosing the right words; it is about conveying meaning, clarity, authenticity and purpose. It is about speaking in a way that reflects your values while also connecting with your audience’s values and emotions. Persuasion is most effective when it occurs through connection and understanding rather than force or coercion.

While effective communication is largely subjective, there are some phrases that leaders should avoid altogether.

Phrases to Avoid

“You wouldn’t understand.”

That statement immediately creates distance and disrespect. Instead, try saying, “There are a lot of moving pieces to this,” or “I hope I can explain this clearly.”

“Because that’s the rule.” (Similarly, “That’s what the dealer wants,” or “That’s how it has always been done.”)

People may not always like the answer, but they appreciate honesty and explanation. Always explain the “why” behind the decision.

“What do you want me to do about it?”

This almost always sounds sarcastic, even when it is not intended that way. At that point, you’ve created a second problem on top of the first one. If the issue is outside your expertise, use your resources to help guide the person toward a solution. Leaders do not need to know every answer, but they should know how to help find them.

“Calm down.”

Few phrases escalate situations faster than these two words. Instead, say, “Explain to me again how I can help you.” That approach lowers tension and keeps the focus on solutions instead of emotions.

“What’s your problem?”

Once accusations enter the conversation, defensiveness follows closely behind. Empathy is almost always the better option.

“You always…” or “You never…”

These statements almost immediately trigger counterexamples and arguments. The focus shifts away from solving the issue and toward defending positions or past actions.

Finally, leaders should also avoid using what I call “impulse words.” These are the knee-jerk, reactionary responses that immediately come to mind and sometimes fly out of our mouths before we’ve had time to think them through. Filtering those responses and taking even one or two extra seconds before speaking can completely change the direction of a conversation.

Conclusion

Choose your words carefully, thoughtfully and respectfully. Words can connect or confuse; they can strengthen relationships or weaken trust. Make sure your words and actions align. Keep your message clear, concise, consistent and above all, deliberate.